Taking a Break
Sorry for the delay in posting. We have been very busy lately.
Earlier this month we were supposed to go to an adoption matching event. Originally, we were very excited about the meeting as it was exactly what we had requested when we went to our first adoption party. However, we decided not to go.
For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother. I so desperately wanted to have children. My life felt incomplete without them. I honestly felt like I wasn't doing what I was created to do. I felt like I was going against the commandment to "be fruitful and multiply." I know that sounds crazy but it was how I felt.
Every late period felt like a blow to my very soul. Every miscarriage along the way was devastating. The In-Vitro Fertilization miscarriage left me utterly hopeless. It was the darkest moment in my life. I remember being curled up in a ball on my bed and saying "think of something good" over and over. I was incapable of thinking of anything other than the loss of our child.
After that, I went to school to become a nurse. Once I became a nurse we decided to adopt. It has been over a year since we started this journey. Even though there have been countless delays and trials along the way we have pushed through. I was annoyed but had to keep going.
Then, on January 29th I had a total hysterectomy. The end to all my endometriosis pain and monthly let-downs. What I didn't expect was to no longer have that ever present need to have children. I do not understand it myself. Kyle jokes that it is because they took out my "biological clock." I guess it is a hormonal thing.
I still love children so very much and absolutely love to have children. I just don't have that need anymore. If it happens I'd be incredibly grateful. I just don't feel like I have to try so hard anymore. Because of that, I have been much more annoyed by the delays and trials that have continued to pop up along the way.
Kyle and I have talked about it quite often since the hysterectomy. It's been four months since then and I am still feeling this way. I am unsure if this is a temporary feeling or if it is a lasting one. For now, we have decided to take a break from the process.
We are still on the list to adopt and if they find the perfect match they will let us know. We will just not be attending anymore classes or events for now. We are also going to be reducing our stress levels as much as possible and do more of the things we enjoy doing.
__________________________________________________________
Other updates:
1) I tried to switch hormone replacement to get to the lowest dose possible yet reduce the post-menopausal symptoms to a tolerable level. I started with an estrogen only patch which works great. However, for the two weeks I wasn't on any replacement I was in the best mood I've ever been in. Hence the reason I was trying to reduce the dose. So, they changed me to a pill form that included progesterone.
I quickly found out progesterone is not my friend at all. I lost my mind while I was taking it. I was breaking out all over and I've never had an acne problem. I was completely incapable of handling stress. The emotional ups and downs were unbearable. So, I switched back to my estrogen only patch.
Instead of switching again, I have been trying half a patch instead of the entire patch. I'm not sure if that is a good idea or if it alters the dose rate administered. But, I think it is working for the most part. I still do not have hot flashes but I am starting to have headaches again. My mood is great now with no ups and downs. I'm handling stress with ease again too.
2) Our AC unit died this week. Well, not the entire unit. Fortunately, it was just the blower motor. Living with 90+ temperatures and no AC is no joke.
We've got fans going all over the house. I put up a 4 inch mattress topper against the door/window in my quilting room to insulate against heat and light. We are sleeping in that room for now as it is the coolest room in the house.
One of the parts came in the mail but we are still waiting on the last part. I cannot wait for it to arrive and for us to get some AC flowing again.
3) Our trench system is working but we haven't put in the drainage system so it is slowing filling back up with dirt. Ha! We really need to work on finishing that. Kyle is just trying to research the best and most affordable way for us to get it done and maintain a dry basement.
4) I am almost finished with my BSN. Just 4 classes left before I get my degree.
Originally, I was going for my BSN for a couple of reason: (1) many hospitals are working towards having all or at least 80% BSN RN's & (2) New York recently passed a law that requires RN's to have a BSN degree. If that goes well, I am sure it will spread to other states. Might as well work on it now before it happens in Georgia.
Now that I am close to obtaining my BSN I have started to look into furthering my degree. I really enjoy teaching and precepting. If I want to teach nursing in the future I will need an MSN. So, I am seriously considering go back for my MSN once I complete my BSN.
__________________________________________________________
Please keep us in your prayers. We obviously have a lot going on and many decisions to make. Stress has been very intense for us so we are doing what we can to reduce it.
On a side note, I've been itching to play board games and we don't have many options. If you like playing board games too please reach out and we can setup a game night.
Earlier this month we were supposed to go to an adoption matching event. Originally, we were very excited about the meeting as it was exactly what we had requested when we went to our first adoption party. However, we decided not to go.
For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother. I so desperately wanted to have children. My life felt incomplete without them. I honestly felt like I wasn't doing what I was created to do. I felt like I was going against the commandment to "be fruitful and multiply." I know that sounds crazy but it was how I felt.
Every late period felt like a blow to my very soul. Every miscarriage along the way was devastating. The In-Vitro Fertilization miscarriage left me utterly hopeless. It was the darkest moment in my life. I remember being curled up in a ball on my bed and saying "think of something good" over and over. I was incapable of thinking of anything other than the loss of our child.
After that, I went to school to become a nurse. Once I became a nurse we decided to adopt. It has been over a year since we started this journey. Even though there have been countless delays and trials along the way we have pushed through. I was annoyed but had to keep going.
Then, on January 29th I had a total hysterectomy. The end to all my endometriosis pain and monthly let-downs. What I didn't expect was to no longer have that ever present need to have children. I do not understand it myself. Kyle jokes that it is because they took out my "biological clock." I guess it is a hormonal thing.
I still love children so very much and absolutely love to have children. I just don't have that need anymore. If it happens I'd be incredibly grateful. I just don't feel like I have to try so hard anymore. Because of that, I have been much more annoyed by the delays and trials that have continued to pop up along the way.
Kyle and I have talked about it quite often since the hysterectomy. It's been four months since then and I am still feeling this way. I am unsure if this is a temporary feeling or if it is a lasting one. For now, we have decided to take a break from the process.
We are still on the list to adopt and if they find the perfect match they will let us know. We will just not be attending anymore classes or events for now. We are also going to be reducing our stress levels as much as possible and do more of the things we enjoy doing.
__________________________________________________________
Other updates:
1) I tried to switch hormone replacement to get to the lowest dose possible yet reduce the post-menopausal symptoms to a tolerable level. I started with an estrogen only patch which works great. However, for the two weeks I wasn't on any replacement I was in the best mood I've ever been in. Hence the reason I was trying to reduce the dose. So, they changed me to a pill form that included progesterone.
I quickly found out progesterone is not my friend at all. I lost my mind while I was taking it. I was breaking out all over and I've never had an acne problem. I was completely incapable of handling stress. The emotional ups and downs were unbearable. So, I switched back to my estrogen only patch.
Instead of switching again, I have been trying half a patch instead of the entire patch. I'm not sure if that is a good idea or if it alters the dose rate administered. But, I think it is working for the most part. I still do not have hot flashes but I am starting to have headaches again. My mood is great now with no ups and downs. I'm handling stress with ease again too.
2) Our AC unit died this week. Well, not the entire unit. Fortunately, it was just the blower motor. Living with 90+ temperatures and no AC is no joke.
We've got fans going all over the house. I put up a 4 inch mattress topper against the door/window in my quilting room to insulate against heat and light. We are sleeping in that room for now as it is the coolest room in the house.
One of the parts came in the mail but we are still waiting on the last part. I cannot wait for it to arrive and for us to get some AC flowing again.
3) Our trench system is working but we haven't put in the drainage system so it is slowing filling back up with dirt. Ha! We really need to work on finishing that. Kyle is just trying to research the best and most affordable way for us to get it done and maintain a dry basement.
4) I am almost finished with my BSN. Just 4 classes left before I get my degree.
Originally, I was going for my BSN for a couple of reason: (1) many hospitals are working towards having all or at least 80% BSN RN's & (2) New York recently passed a law that requires RN's to have a BSN degree. If that goes well, I am sure it will spread to other states. Might as well work on it now before it happens in Georgia.
Now that I am close to obtaining my BSN I have started to look into furthering my degree. I really enjoy teaching and precepting. If I want to teach nursing in the future I will need an MSN. So, I am seriously considering go back for my MSN once I complete my BSN.
__________________________________________________________
Please keep us in your prayers. We obviously have a lot going on and many decisions to make. Stress has been very intense for us so we are doing what we can to reduce it.
On a side note, I've been itching to play board games and we don't have many options. If you like playing board games too please reach out and we can setup a game night.
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